The Blame Game

My Sleeping Angel x

My Sleeping Angel x

Each day it seems to get slightly easier to function, but emotionally harder to cope with. As the Sun rises every morning the same thoughts go through my head. How can it be possible to feel worse than I do right now? One thing for sure is that tomorrow will have that edge.

It feels like two parallel worlds, the logical one and the emotional one. The logical one functions okay, the emotional one doesn’t.

Each day I think it’s a particularly bad day. I can’t think straight, my thoughts are muddled and I seem to be jumping from one awful thought to the next. I don’t know why, but what I do know is that I feel total despair, the hardest thing is knowing that the one thing that could make me feel better, I am never going to have. There is no hope for tomorrow, only more of the darkness. The physical obstacles that plagued me several months ago are easy to overcome most days but with less time spent on the effort to get out of bed, the effort to get in the shower or the effort to go to work, I have more time to contemplate William’s death.

The logical aspect of my mind tells me it’s not my fault, in my very black and white mind, which is no longer so black and white, I replay the last few months of William’s life over and over again. The appointments, the cough, the vomiting, but most of all the last few days of his life. William was poorly at nursery, so I called and arranged an emergency appointment. They told us to give him calpol, nurofen and to keep up his fluids, I did that. When I thought there was no improvement, I again called for help and guidance, I followed the help and guidance. Later, I was reassured it was probably a “viral infection, likely to get better without treatment” I asked about every detail, I questioned his every answer. I was reassured I was doing the right thing. How was I supposed to know it wasn’t the right thing.  Cue emotional mind….

I do nothing but question and compare myself to another mother, would another mother have made a different judgement? Would another mother have taken their child to A&E? Would another mother have noticed something that I didn’t? I should have done this, I should have done that. I should have said this, I should have said that. The self-destroying questions are never-ending. Cue logical mind…..

I know for a fact that all of those questions are based on hindsight, the unbearable foe. The truth is if I received reassurance from different health professionals. I am not a doctor, I could never have known what was occurring in William’s body. When he was poorly, I did the right thing and took him to the doctors to be examined. I was extremely thorough in my explanations and I followed all the guidance and advice I was given. I took William to the doctors numerous times and gave them ample opportunity to diagnose his cough prior to even contracting pneumonia and sepsis. I trusted their diagnosis. Cue emotional mind….

Regardless of anything, he was my little boy, I love him more than anyone, I know him more than anyone, and I would have and still would do anything I could to bring him back, but only mothers can know, and only bereaved mothers can truly know the overwhelming burden of blame.

 

 

 

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9 thoughts on “The Blame Game

  1. You should never blame yourself, you did everything as a mother that you could have and you put your trust and faith in the healthcare professionals who let you and your son down. I lost my baby boy coming up to two years (he had no windpipe) and I constantly blame myself. If I had relaxed in the first 12 weeks of development would he have had every organ, if I hadn’t have been so stressed what if? If I had rested what if? If you blame yourself you will get even more consumed by guilt and grief, you will never get over your sons death but hopefully you will understand: Your not to blame x

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    • I’m so sorry to hear about your little boy, that is so sad. And I sit here and try to explain to you that it’s not your fault either, that you always did everything you could. We are our own biggest critic. I know it’s not my fault, but it’s easier to blame myself rather than others. 😦 xx

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  2. Keep going, lovely Melissa. Keep sharing your thoughts. You did all you could for William, it is natural to keep checking and thinking and making sure that you didn’t miss anything, but you did not. You loved him and you took care of him beautifully. One thing which I take from your terribly sad experience, is the extraordinary amount of love which William experienced during his short life. There are not many people who pass, who could say that they spent their life entirely showered with love -but it sounds to me like your little boy did. Be proud of that. You are being incredibly brave sharing your thoughts with us, and thank you for that. Keep strong. Much love, Lucy xx

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  3. You poor sweet dear. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. In time you will realise you did everything right, everything any other parent would have done, you are not a doctor, all you did was trust who you are made to believe you can. Just know that William would not want you to blame yourself. You did all you could for him and he knows that. What happened to you is an awful, terrible thing, but always remember it was never your fault.

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  4. You are right. I can never know truly know your overwhelming burden of pain. I can only know you and your William through your words; and today’s words are so sad and so understandable. I see the battle of your emotional and logical minds and can only hope that someday they subside enough to liberate your thoughts if only for brief seconds. With caring, Janet

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    • There are moments of reflection when you can sit calmly and collect your thoughts, then with no apparent trigger, the wave of fear, dread and guilt come rolling over you and it’s just all-consuming. Thank you for your lovely words, i love that people are getting to know my little William.

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  5. I ask myself over and over why didn’t I know my son was saying a final goodbye to me the last time I saw him? In hindsight it is sooooo obvious he was telling me goodbye but I didn’t see it at the time.. How blind was I being? So I have to remind myself, as you should too, if I had known he was going to leave this earth would I have stopped him? and the answer is I would have thrown my body over him, attached myself to him with cuffs, I don’t know how but the answer is “Yes!” I would have done everything in my power. The truth that I have to live with is I just didn’t see it then. I didn’t see it. Love to you – hole-hearted mother to mother.

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