William baby, I miss you, I miss you so much. I wish so much that you were here, or I was there. I don’t like this, I hate this, I can’t get used to this at all. I need you so much, I need you to be here, I need to see you, I need to hold you, I need to breathe in your beautiful smell and run my fingers through your soft hair. I need to know that you are ok. I need you, my baby, here with me.
When you arrived two years ago today on my birthday, I was overcome with an emotion I had not experienced in such an empowering form as this. I loved you fiercely from the moment I knew you were coming, but when I first saw you, when I first felt your tiny weight, your warm skin on my chest. I was in love. I knew then, that I would need nothing more in my life, it was you, it was always you. I couldn’t stop looking at you, waiting for you to open those mesmerising brown eyes, to drink in your soul. You loved with your eyes from the moment they were opened. Your eyes, the key to your beautiful soul is what I miss so much. I look at your photos and I just look into your eyes, hoping, wishing, wanting to jump right into that photo. Knowing so much that those little eyes won’t talk to me again, knowing that those little eyes won’t love me like they did. Although as your mummy no-one can get closer to you than I am but it is an infinite chasm that is between us. Un-natural, relentless and peppered with hardships that neither you nor I should have to endure.
I’m sitting here looking at a photo of you lying on my bed 3 days after you were born. I can remember lying there with you, I remember tracing my fingertip round the edges of your ears, learning their shape, getting to know every millimetre of your perfect little body. I remember gently walking my finger up the inside of your tiny little fingers, knowing your senses were heightened now you were no longer being incubated in mummy’s belly. I could see you taking it all in, stretching your perfectly formed little fingers out so that our fingertips could touch. Both of us tingling with new sensations, I was learning what your touch felt like, storing those moments in my memory for me to recall, I am glad I did that. I remember so clearly the folds of your skin, I remember the indentations your finger prints made, I can draw in my mind the lovely wrinkles that made you brand new. I remember oh so well. If I close my eyes, I can touch you. I know what your touch feels like. It gives me goose bumps and sends shivers down my spine. You were mine and I loved every bit of you.
I remember holding you, almost comatose on milk but not quite, still hanging on, that lingering look between us, I would slowly rub your forehead just at the top of your nose, until I would stop and my finger would come to a standstill, my finger with its tiny pressure resting on your forehead, you would succumb to your milky way. I wouldn’t move my finger, wanting so much to be part of your dream, my connection with you whilst you were sleeping. I wouldn’t move until you woke. The first person you saw when you opened those sleepy eyes. How many times did you wake to see the tears streaming down mummy’s face? You knew they were happy tears, tears when mummy was overcome with emotion, never quite knowing how to cope with the love that eclipsed us.
Today as I navigate through our birthdays without you I seek desperately to find some comfort knowing that you are safely tucked up in Heaven, but it’s not right and it’s not the same. This evening I will look up to the stars knowing that you are not just one but all of them, you’re beautiful soul shining through. I’m sorry I couldn’t get to you today. I’m sorry I can’t hold you, I’m sorry that I can’t cuddle you and smother you in a million kisses. I’m just so, so sorry. Sorry I couldn’t protect you, sorry I couldn’t make you better, sorry I wasn’t holding you when you took your last sweet breath. I’m just sorry it was you and not me. I would give my life for you to have yours. I would give my life so you could take one more breath, live one last moment, cuddle you one more time. I miss you sweetheart, I’m totally lost without you my precious little boy.
Today you are turning two, and I wonder what you are doing in Heaven. I hope there are lots of toys, and you are having lots of fun, I hope you miss mummy, because mummy misses you. I hope that the birthday you are having is a happy one. I ache to hear those little words, it’s my birthday mummy, it’s your birthday mummy. I ache to hear that little word uttered by you, mummy.
Happy birthday sweetheart, I love you xxxxx
You’re one of Heaven’s angels now,
A perfect little star.
And when you shine the world can see,
How beautiful you are.
May you fly with magic wings,
On clouds so soft and white.
May your heart be joyful,
And your days be bathed in light.
And though our hearts are broken,
And your life was far too short.
We thank you, sweetest angel,
For the happiness you bought.