Coping with anger

Today┬áI had to relive that morning, the lead up, Williams death and his funeral all over again with yet another professional. Although I know it’s necessary to help establish answers, not just for us but for William. It’s so hard.

To begin with I am ok, then I start shaking, first of all on the inside then uncontrollably on the outside. My temperature seems to plummet and I sit there shaking and freezing cold.

The questions run through my head, the what if’s, and especially the hindsight. Hindsight is a wonderful thing if you have the benefit of it before the event, but it is a curse after the fact. We have to endure an inquest, questions need to be answered, the doctors, the specialists, SERCO, everyone that seemed to be involved in William’s care up until he passed away, why did he pass away? We all know now that William shouldn’t have died, that his illness should have been picked up and investigated at one of the 6 appointments we took him to in as many weeks leading to his death.

The feeling when I think about this is beyond anger, it’s very difficult to describe, I know that not one particular person had a hand in his death, I know that the doctor’s didn’t miss, or not diagnose him on purpose, but there were oversight’s, there were failings, simple failings at a general doctor level.

Like we keep getting reminded time and time again, William had wonderful parents, William was so loved and very loving, William was so happy and so content, he was beautiful, intelligent and had so much to give. I know that only we gave him that. I know that we fed off each other, I loved him and he loved me back, pure and unspoken love, a bond that will never be broken.

No matter how many questions are asked, how many questions are answered, how many apologies we receive, none of it brings William back, I will never see him again, touch him, smell him, hear his little voice. Never hear him say ‘mummy, I love you.’ Living with this pain is not anger, it’s a lifetime of torture.

I miss him. So much.

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