Loving you is easy, missing you is so hard

You're on the front page baby xx

You’re on the front page baby xx

Well today my sweetheart your beautiful face graced every news stand in the United Kingdom. Over a million people will have seen your captivating smile on the front page of the Daily Mail, and even more online. As I stood in the shop this morning I stood looking at the news stand thinking, that’s you. That’s my little boy. That’s my life in one photo, and in one news article it summed up your death.

No matter how many times your story is shared, how many people read the paper, or how many lives it goes on to save, it doesn’t bring you back. I am left feeling a bittersweet sense of pride. I’ve had the breath knocked out of me, to see how you my darling are making such a difference, but at the end of the day, when people close their newspapers and shut their computers down, I am still sat here without you. I am still sat here missing you, I am still sat here loving you, I am still sat here desperately lost without you.

I miss everything about you.
I miss the way you would always point your big toe up.
I miss the way you always pointed your finger, even when there was nothing to point at.
I miss waking up before you and being impatient, waiting for you to wake up.
I miss when you would get excited, tensing and pointing your feet.
I miss you giving them a little wiggle for extra excitement.
I miss the way you stood at the stair gate posting balls from your ball pool into the kitchen.
I miss how you sat at the bottom of the stairs waiting for daddy to take you for a shower.
I miss your gorgeous little bum.
I miss being able to squidge your gorgeous little bum.
I miss your smell, your intoxicating smell, it was always the best in the morning.
I miss my morning fix.
I miss reading your nursery cards, what you’d eaten, played with, what you’d achieved.
I miss picking you up from nursery, to see your little face when you would catch a glimpse of me, to see the emotion erupt on your face, you would cry you were so overwhelmed.
I miss the way that mummy would pout her lips and huff, for you to copy.
I miss being able to say ‘up’, your little hands shot in the air and we would have a cuddle.
I miss snuggling you into my chest and giving you your milk before sleepies.
I will never forget that eye contact.
I miss not being able to lose myself in your big brown eyes.
I miss knowing that you’re sleeping in the next room.
I miss hearing your faint snore.
I miss getting to work and finding the toys you’d put in my bag.
I miss putting your shoes on for the tenth time before nursery.
I miss pointing out your bedroom window before sleepies, watching the stars.
I miss your laugh.
I miss missing yesterday.
I miss knowing that there is a tomorrow.
I miss the way you made me feel.

You are the sun in my day,
the wind in my sky,
the waves in my ocean,
and the beat in my heart.

I miss you.