Happy Birthday Baby

William baby, I miss you, I miss you so much. I wish so much that you were here, or I was there. I don’t like this, I hate this, I can’t get used to this at all. I need you so much, I need you to be here, I need to see you, I need to hold you, I need to breathe in your beautiful smell and run my fingers through your soft hair. I need to know that you are ok. I need you, my baby, here with me.

When you arrived two years ago today on my birthday, I was overcome with an emotion I had not experienced in such an empowering form as this. I loved you fiercely from the moment I knew you were coming, but when I first saw you, when I first felt your tiny weight, your warm skin on my chest. I was in love. I knew then, that I would need nothing more in my life, it was you, it was always you. I couldn’t stop looking at you, waiting for you to open those mesmerising brown eyes, to drink in your soul. You loved with your eyes from the moment they were opened. Your eyes, the key to your beautiful soul is what I miss so much. I look at your photos and I just look into your eyes, hoping, wishing, wanting to jump right into that photo. Knowing so much that those little eyes won’t talk to me again, knowing that those little eyes won’t love me like they did. Although as your mummy no-one can get closer to you than I am but it is an infinite chasm that is between us. Un-natural, relentless and peppered with hardships that neither you nor I should have to endure.

Our first cuddle xx

Our first cuddle xx

I’m sitting here looking at a photo of you lying on my bed 3 days after you were born. I can remember lying there with you, I remember tracing my fingertip round the edges of your ears, learning their shape, getting to know every millimetre of your perfect little body. I remember gently walking my finger up the inside of your tiny little fingers, knowing your senses were heightened now you were no longer being incubated in mummy’s belly. I could see you taking it all in, stretching your perfectly formed little fingers out so that our fingertips could touch. Both of us tingling with new sensations, I was learning what your touch felt like, storing those moments in my memory for me to recall, I am glad I did that. I remember so clearly the folds of your skin, I remember the indentations your finger prints made, I can draw in my mind the lovely wrinkles that made you brand new. I remember oh so well. If I close my eyes, I can touch you. I know what your touch feels like. It gives me goose bumps and sends shivers down my spine. You were mine and I loved every bit of you.

Our first birthday cuddle xx

Our first birthday cuddle xx

I remember holding you, almost comatose on milk but not quite, still hanging on, that lingering look between us, I would slowly rub your forehead just at the top of your nose, until I would stop and my finger would come to a standstill, my finger with its tiny pressure resting on your forehead, you would succumb to your milky way. I wouldn’t move my finger, wanting so much to be part of your dream, my connection with you whilst you were sleeping. I wouldn’t move until you woke. The first person you saw when you opened those sleepy eyes. How many times did you wake to see the tears streaming down mummy’s face? You knew they were happy tears, tears when mummy was overcome with emotion, never quite knowing how to cope with the love that eclipsed us.

Today as I navigate through our birthdays without you I seek desperately to find some comfort knowing that you are safely tucked up in Heaven, but it’s not right and it’s not the same. This evening I will look up to the stars knowing that you are not just one but all of them, you’re beautiful soul shining through. I’m sorry I couldn’t get to you today. I’m sorry I can’t hold you, I’m sorry that I can’t cuddle you and smother you in a million kisses. I’m just so, so sorry. Sorry I couldn’t protect you, sorry I couldn’t make you better, sorry I wasn’t holding you when you took your last sweet breath. I’m just sorry it was you and not me. I would give my life for you to have yours. I would give my life so you could take one more breath, live one last moment, cuddle you one more time. I miss you sweetheart, I’m totally lost without you my precious little boy.

Today you are turning two, and I wonder what you are doing in Heaven. I hope there are lots of toys, and you are having lots of fun, I hope you miss mummy, because mummy misses you. I hope that the birthday you are having is a happy one. I ache to hear those little words, it’s my birthday mummy, it’s your birthday mummy. I ache to hear that little word uttered by you, mummy.

Happy birthday sweetheart, I love you xxxxx

You’re one of Heaven’s angels now,
A perfect little star.
And when you shine the world can see,
How beautiful you are.

May you fly with magic wings,
On clouds so soft and white.
May your heart be joyful,
And your days be bathed in light.

And though our hearts are broken,
And your life was far too short.
We thank you, sweetest angel,
For the happiness you bought.



William’s Charity Auction


So everyone, William’s birthday is in two days time, and as you know we are releasing some balloons for his second birthday on Saturday, as are so many of you around the world.

Yesterday evening, our online charity went live. It’s now possible to bid on the amazing items that so many generous people and businesses have donated. Here is the link:


The lots include the following:
– A holiday for two in Bali;
– An iPAD;
– PADI Diving course, beginner or intermediate;
– Limited edition signed book by Amanda Prowse;
– Signed England rugby shirt worn in the recent England Vs Ireland game – framed;
– Signed Everton FC shirt – framed;
– £100 Jewellery voucher for Zamsoe;
– Detailed & lifelike A4 animal portrait;
– 2 x Limited edition signed prints from Aminart;
– 3 night cottage break for 2 in the Lakes;
– 2 Night boutique escape, your choice of hotel;
– England Vs Wales 2016 VIP tickets;
– 24 Hours on a private island for 2 people;
– 2 Nights, your choice of Champneys Spa’s for 2; and
– A jewellery set by Jacy and Jool’s.

All of the proceeds will be donated directly to The UK Sepsis Trust in William’s memory. So please support us in achieving our goal of £10,000!!!

Please share the link with your friends on your social media sites. We are so grateful and thankful for your support.



Name a Plane – Grumpus Mead

Dear all, I am asking you for your help!!! Please help us win a Thomson plane to be named after our beautiful little William. Please share this blog, please share amongst your Facebook friends, Twitter and all of your social media.

Vote and share the link below:


Thank you xxxxxxx

A Children’s Book Dedicated to William

Me and my boy xx

Me and my boy xx

Well, these last few weeks, months have not only been extremely hard to deal with emotionally, with so many investigations taking place, and the conclusion of those next week, I have been trying to focus on fundraising.

Well I am working with Ron Taylor who is a director, writer and editor, and used to work with the BBC and Channel 4, to create an eBook of children’s illustrations in William’s memory. The eBook will be available on iBook, Amazon etc and we hope to have it published in January. The ISBN number has been registered so it is official!!

A little about the book

The book will be made up of 50 illustrations all donated by 50 wonderful and well-known illustrators such as Patrick Brooks, Paula Shapland and Nick Sharratt (Nick created the Tracy Beaker illustrations), you can find the full list here. All coming together to create an interactive eBook of colourful images for children under 9. Each page will have an interactive balloon (William’s favourite), the reward for finding each balloon will be perhaps farmyard animal noises, a train noise, and on one special balloon, a video of William. Also included will be photos of William and a foreword written by me. All of the proceeds from this book will be donated to the UK Sepsis Trust. Ron Daniels CEO of the Sepsis Trust will also be writing an introduction to the book, and how it has come about.

The book of course will be dedicated to William, and made in his memory. The book will cost only 99p with all proceeds being donated to the UK Sepsis Trust. I really hope that all of you will buy a copy or two and for only 99p who can argue!!

You can visit a preview of the book by clicking on this link.

You all know that on the 27th November it will be William’s second birthday, we could not let it pass without organising something special for our precious little boy. We decided, as William’s favourite toy to play with was balloons we would hold a balloon release, the balloons and all material will of course be biodegradable. Well, we set up a Facebook Page to invite our friends and family and well, we’ve had so much interest, we are now holding it in a public park, with a raffle and auction too!! If you would like to come along to William’s birthday balloon release it will be held on Saturday 28th November in Boscawen Park, Truro, Cornwall, at 1pm. I know that there are so many of you that live all around the world, but if you would like to be involved, we would love for you to release a balloon or 2 for William on his birthday and send us a photo. We are asking a minimum of £1 per balloon with all proceeds going to the UK Sepsis Trust via William’s Legacy Just Giving Page.

As there has been so much interest we decided to hold a raffle, and we have had some wonderful prizes donated from local businesses.

Not only have we had some wonderful prizes donated for the raffle, we’ve been given some substantial prizes for an auction too, these I will be starting in an online auction on my Facebook / Twitter accounts, where you will be able to post your highest bid. Prizes for the auction include:

  • Ipad Mini
  • Signed George Ford England Rugby Shirt (this must not be re-auctioned or sold on)
  • 1 night stay in the Executive Suite at The Alverton Manor Hotel, including dinner and breakfast.
  • Champagne afternoon tea for two at St Michael’s Hotel, Falmouth
  • Limited edition high quality prints from Ayub, photographer from Amin Art, known for his nature and wildlife photography including images of David Attenborough, amongst others.

The money we have raised so far has included a bake sale from the office team at Standard Life, raising £420, a figure that will be matched by Standard Life! Worldwide Financial Planning (where I work) will be match funding up to £1,000. Along with the raffle, auction and donations for balloons we hope to raise a significant sum for the UK Sepsis Trust, all part of William’s Legacy.

We really hope you are able to support us on the day, but if you’re not, we’d love to send you some balloons for a donation for William’s birthday, and of course if you are not able to make it, you can join in the online auction, and buy William’s children’s eBook when it is released in the New Year.

If there is anyone out there, that would like to donate any raffle or auction prizes they would be gratefully received, or anyone that would like to match fund what we raise, please get in touch.

And, thank you, so far including gift aid, over £7,700 has been raised in William’s memory.