William on his first birthday xx

When we found out that you were due on the 21st November we thought you might arrive on daddy’s birthday on the 24th, but you didn’t. You wanted to hang around and arrive on mummy’s birthday instead. You made your grand appearance on the 27th November at the same time your daddy was born at 12:21. I didn’t mind, I loved that we would share such a special day. Mummy has never been a person who really celebrates her birthday and when you came along I was more than happy for your to steal all the spotlight. Apart from the day you were born we only ever got to spend one birthday together, your first.

We celebrated your special day with our friends and family, you had a lovely farm animals birthday cake which you spat out, not having eaten any sweet foods before, but we enjoyed it anyway! You didn’t really understand what birthdays were all about yet. You were more interested in playing with the wrapping paper than you were the contents. Pretty standard stuff I think. On this special day daddy captured my favourite video of us together. As you sat with your presents you pushed them away, climbed into mummy’s lap and gave me a big birthday cuddle. I will never forget. I can close my eyes now and feel your little arms around mummy’s neck, the most precious jewels that will ever be around my neck. I can smell your sweet strawberry smell as you nuzzled in, getting as close as you could. Your touch is what mummy misses the most.

I can remember one very specific moment, when you were born I was overcome with a wave of emotion, no other feeling comes even close to how I felt when you were placed on my chest. But you know, when daddy drove us home for the first time, I looked at you and I could barely believe you were mine. As I carried you up the steps to your new home I couldn’t open the door, my mum, your nanny, opened the door and I was stood there in tears, sobbing as I was holding you. Nanny’s face etched with worry, ‘what’s wrong, is everything ok?’. My response, ‘I’m just so happy.’ I cannot even put in to words just how happy I was. I knew at that moment that my life was complete.

So what would you be doing today? You would understand what birthdays meant by now, I expect that you would open your presents in a hurry, the anticipation taking over. Mummy and daddy would obviously be taking lots of photos and videos, just as excited as you. I sit often and wonder when mummy comes up to heaven, will you still be one, or will you be 27 or 43 or however many years have passed before that moment. I hope that you’ll still be one, I hope that I will get to be 28 again, I hope that we can reset the clock so that I don’t miss any of your birthdays, that I can get to watch you grow up, watch you turn from a baby to a toddler and into a little boy and never miss a single moment.

Do you know that after you died mummy took such a long time to change her glasses, I was scared that when I got up to heaven with different glasses that you wouldn’t recognise me. I think the same thing now, I don’t want to cut my hair short, or change the way I look incase you don’t know who I am. After ruminating about it, I think to myself well what happens if many years have passed and you’re no longer one, will I recognise you? I could imagine what a two or a three-year old William might look like, but you were too young to imagine what a teenage William would look like. I am left with only imaginations, not memories. I like to think that whatever age you are when I arrive in heaven that I will recognise you straight away, I’ll know who my little William is, the little boy mummy desperately yearns for every single day. Of course most of these thoughts are completely irrational to a normal person but to me truth lies in there somewhere. These are not things that parents should worry about. I should be worrying about you falling over or making sure you learn how to cross the road properly, not how old you will be when I get to heaven.

How did the most special day of the year become such a sad day. Maybe in time we will ‘celebrate’ your birthday with Arthur, I should imagine as he gets older and understands a little better that he will want to celebrate your birthday and mummy’s birthday, but it’s so hard to be happy on a day that is fraught with so much sadness. I miss you every day, all the time. Somehow Arthur being here makes your missing presence even more profound. You should be here, you should be excited about your birthday, you should be helping mummy and daddy with Arthur, you should be three, you should be ALIVE.

Life sucks here without you, but I know that I have a reason to live. The little 7lb 11oz gift that you sent us gave us a purpose once again. We know that it is you saying ‘it’s ok’. But it doesn’t make missing you any easier. I’m really hoping that heaven gives you the very best party. That you will be happy. That you will be loved and that you will stop, pause, and blow a kiss to mummy here on earth. What I do know for certain though, is that heaven is a very lucky place to have you there. My darling little boy I wish you every happiness in the world on your birthday.

From your ever-loving mummy xxxxxx

www.justgiving.com/williamoscarmead