“The days will always be brighter,
because you existed.
The nights will always be darker,
because you are gone.”
I just closed your curtains sweetheart, standing at your window, my tears landing on your windowsill as I sobbed my heart out. I lose my breath, my chest racking as I struggle to contemplate that when I turn around I won’t be kissing you goodnight and telling you that I love you. Instead I blow you a kiss at the window, hoping that somehow you will catch it. As always, every evening I tell you that I love you, this I promised you when I first held you, close on my chest, all warm, a tangle of arms and legs. Mummy promised you that she would love you with every ounce of her being, and she promised that every night, the last voice you heard would be your mummy’s, whispering ‘I love you’. Mummy kept both promises. The last voice that you ever heard was your mummy’s, and the last words that you ever heard were ‘I love you’.
The next time I saw you, you were gone. At 08:47am on the 14th December 2014 time stood still; and from that moment and every moment since time has slipped away into oblivion. My world stands still, I feel like I’m in a wreckage. Spread into many pieces, but no matter how hard anyone tries, those pieces will never fit together again, because you are missing, the most important part, the core, my heart, I am an empty shell without you. Just a shadow, a ghost of who I used to be.
Life has kicked me so many times but when you were born Grumpus, I had finally climbed the tallest mountain. I stood there my arms spread wide, my eyes closed, the wind in my hair, looking down on the world knowing that this is what life was meant to be like, what love was meant to feel like. It was euphoric. I never imagined that life would come along with a wrecking ball and swipe me off that mountain, taking with it my life. Leaving behind only memories, wonderful memories but wonderful memories that are enough to break my heart.
Can you remember pickle, when you first slept in your own room, I think mummy was more apprehensive than you. You took comfort from your trusty thumb and Mr Reindeer, your little eyes fluttered as the weight of your eyelids became too much and you succumbed to dreamy sleep. Mummy was there, and every night after. When I laid you down, kissed you goodnight and whispered I love you, I pushed your door closed, but mummy was at the end of your cot. Watching your chest rise and fall with every breath. Listening to the soft noises you made as you slept peacefully. Mummy would sit and watch you for hours, not wanting to leave, because she knew when she left that she would miss you. Grumpus, I miss you. I miss you so much. I missed you even then, when you were asleep. I don’t know how to miss you. I don’t want to miss you, I want you here. I was in awe of you then, and I’m in awe of you now.
When people say they miss someone, I don’t think they really know what it feels like to really miss someone. Knowing that they are never coming back. Knowing that no matter what you do, you will never feel complete again, knowing that the biggest part of you will always be missing, knowing that your life will never be whole. I do. I know what that feels like. I miss us, I miss our future, I miss life, I miss you. Everything you are. Everything you mean. Love sometimes comes like a dream, and it leaves like a nightmare. This is my nightmare, you are my dream.