I’m exhausted sweetheart, exhausted from the constant searching, searching every one of your photos, for a tiny scrap of comfort; but there is none. Sitting on the floor in your nursery, searching for something to touch, something to hold, to smell, to hold close to my heart, hoping that somehow I will feel closer to you. Absorbing myself in the smile that emanates from every photo, it is hard to imagine that it was your mummy smiling right back at you, the other side of that camera. Now, there is no camera lens between us, there is a lifetime.
I feel like I am floating around an ocean in a little rowing boat, a battered rowing boat, guided only by the moonlight, rowing as hard as I can, but I don’t know why, because the boat is filling up with water faster than I can row. I can’t see land. I don’t know where I’m going. It’s getting harder to row, the will power it takes to pick the oars up, the strength it takes to row is overwhelming, the idea of succumbing to the water becomes more and more inviting as each day passes.
The truth is I don’t know how to live without you and I don’t want to learn. Why should I? Is it because that’s what I am ‘supposed’ to do? Because I have no choice? Because the alternative is something people brush under the carpet, but I do have a choice, this is my life, and my choice. Some people say that is selfish, but isn’t it selfish to ask me to endure a lifetime of pain so they don’t lose me. The pain of grief is unrelenting, you can’t take a tablet and hope it’ll ease in half an hour. You can’t put a plaster on it. It is there every second of your waking day, and then when you manage to get some sleep, the nightmares make sure to keep you in the present. Waking up more exhausted than you were when you went to bed.
I stand in front of the mirror every morning and I don’t recognise the reflection staring back at me. What I see is broken, a shadow of the person that used to stand in front of the same mirror. Without you William I don’t feel like I belong, after all you are part of me, the only person to ever hear my heart beating from the inside. An unwavering bond that intensifies with every beat of my heart, but the beating hurts, the memories hurt, living hurts. I miss being able to touch you, hug you, and to be with you, I can’t hug memories, I feel like I’m trapped within 4 walls, every direction I go, life is an obstacle, suffocating and stifling. I miss the euphoric feeling that gripped me on each of your 382 days. Being with you, made me feel 10 feet tall, made me feel free, gave me a sense of belonging. Until I find you again, I will keep searching, and I know that I won’t belong anywhere until I find you.