What’s a Liebster Award?

Liebster Award x

Liebster Award x

No? Me either, no clue, I had to consult the only person I would know for sure, Mr Google.

When a very lovely like-minded mummy from Claire Bear Blues nominated my blog for a Liebster award, I had no idea what it was. I had to Google it, and a small part of me hoped I’d won a lobster, sadly I hadn’t won a lobster but I had been nominated for an award in the world of blogging. To hear that I’d been nominated was very heart warming. Initially I wrote as I just needed to get my thoughts out, but sharing these with other bereaved parents, it has introduced William to the world. It fills me with so much pride that William is helping others. So here goes….

Liebster Award Rules x

Liebster Award Rules x

11 Facts about me…

  1. All my life I’ve wiggled my toes, but since William died, I haven’t, William used to do it too.
  2. I can speak Spanish.
  3. I like mint sauce on anything.
  4. I have orange juice on cereals rather than milk.
  5. I love donkey’s, I’ve always wanted 2 donkey’s.
  6. I’ve had 9 operations.
  7. I am doing a degree in economics.
  8. I have no balance / co-ordination.
  9. I really enjoy crafts, so cross stitching especially.
  10. My favourite book is Juliet by Anne Fortier.
  11. The best thing that ever happened to me was being blessed with William, and the worst was having him taken away.

 

Here are the questions for me…

1. Why do you write?
I write because my mind is so full I need to write down when my mind and thoughts spill over and my head is muddled, this happens quite often! I write now because I want the world to know about William.

2. When did you begin to write?
I started to write in January 2015 the month after William died.

3. Did you start this initially for someone else to read or just for yourself?
Initially I started to write just for myself, I needed an outlet, somewhere I could express my thoughts without being judged or analysed. I think a part of me feels like William can read these words, he is part of everything I do. I’ve received tremendous support from readers of my blog and you have become part of our journey.

4. How often do you write?
I write whenever I can, a lot of the time I write and somehow seeing my thoughts in black and white makes it real, so I write as often as I can as for me it is a way of unjumbling my mind.

5. Is there anything you are afraid to blog about?
No, I am no longer afraid of anything, and I have no fear of sharing my darkest thoughts.

6. What do family and close friends think?
They are extremely supportive and in some respects see it as an insight into what is going through my mind. On the outside I can be smiling but on the inside my heart is breaking. They love the little photos and videos of William and learning about the little person who I hold so dear.

7. Do you share your blog often?
I share my blog every time I write a post.

8. What has been the best aspect of blogging for you?
Writing is very cathartic. Being able to express how I feel and sharing my love for William. One particular memory stands above the rest. A lady contacted me from America and explained after reading my blog she insisted on a second opinion with a pediatrician for her son. He in fact had pneumonia and fluid on his chest. He was admitted to ITU and made a full recovery. She thanked me personally for raising awareness.

9. Are there any differences between your online persona and your in-person one?
No, what you see is what you get with me. I write about something so personal, and anyone who knows me will know that I speak the same of William in person as I do in my blog.

10. Do you mostly write, or do you read too?
I mostly write. I love to read but have found since losing William that I am unable to focus as well, so I don’t read as much now.

11. What is one quote that fits your life right now?
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you.”


 

I nominate the following inspiring blogs…

Kathleen Duncan – My journey through grief into grace

Grey Skies & Little White Boxes – Life after losing Kamren Grey

Grieving Gumdrops – The Sweeter Side of Grief

Miracles Each Day – A course in miracles and a course in love

Therese Borchard – Mental Health writer and Activist

Taking the Mask Off – Addiction Mental Health Stigma

Write Meg! – Another take on writing, reading, loving and eating!

Forever 21 – A broken heart is open to receive

Broken Mothers Club – For mothers who have lost children

Mourning Amy Marie  – Grieving loss of my 27 year old daughter

The Infinite Fountain – A Father’s journey through the labyrinth of loss and longing

My questions for you are…

  1. Why did you start to blog?
  2. What advice would you give to a new blogger?
  3. How do you feel when you’ve written and shared a blog?
  4. What inspires you to keep going every day?
  5. Are there any differences between your online persona and your in-person one?
  6. Which blogs do you check daily?
  7. In your opinion, what’s the best blog post you’ve written so far? Give us the link.
  8. What’s the most breathtaking sight you’ve ever seen?
  9. What is the one thing you must have with you when on the go?
  10. What’s your favourite place to go and write?
  11. What is the one quote that fits your life right now?

 

 

 

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The Blame Game

My Sleeping Angel x

My Sleeping Angel x

Each day it seems to get slightly easier to function, but emotionally harder to cope with. As the Sun rises every morning the same thoughts go through my head. How can it be possible to feel worse than I do right now? One thing for sure is that tomorrow will have that edge.

It feels like two parallel worlds, the logical one and the emotional one. The logical one functions okay, the emotional one doesn’t.

Each day I think it’s a particularly bad day. I can’t think straight, my thoughts are muddled and I seem to be jumping from one awful thought to the next. I don’t know why, but what I do know is that I feel total despair, the hardest thing is knowing that the one thing that could make me feel better, I am never going to have. There is no hope for tomorrow, only more of the darkness. The physical obstacles that plagued me several months ago are easy to overcome most days but with less time spent on the effort to get out of bed, the effort to get in the shower or the effort to go to work, I have more time to contemplate William’s death.

The logical aspect of my mind tells me it’s not my fault, in my very black and white mind, which is no longer so black and white, I replay the last few months of William’s life over and over again. The appointments, the cough, the vomiting, but most of all the last few days of his life. William was poorly at nursery, so I called and arranged an emergency appointment. They told us to give him calpol, nurofen and to keep up his fluids, I did that. When I thought there was no improvement, I again called for help and guidance, I followed the help and guidance. Later, I was reassured it was probably a “viral infection, likely to get better without treatment” I asked about every detail, I questioned his every answer. I was reassured I was doing the right thing. How was I supposed to know it wasn’t the right thing.  Cue emotional mind….

I do nothing but question and compare myself to another mother, would another mother have made a different judgement? Would another mother have taken their child to A&E? Would another mother have noticed something that I didn’t? I should have done this, I should have done that. I should have said this, I should have said that. The self-destroying questions are never-ending. Cue logical mind…..

I know for a fact that all of those questions are based on hindsight, the unbearable foe. The truth is if I received reassurance from different health professionals. I am not a doctor, I could never have known what was occurring in William’s body. When he was poorly, I did the right thing and took him to the doctors to be examined. I was extremely thorough in my explanations and I followed all the guidance and advice I was given. I took William to the doctors numerous times and gave them ample opportunity to diagnose his cough prior to even contracting pneumonia and sepsis. I trusted their diagnosis. Cue emotional mind….

Regardless of anything, he was my little boy, I love him more than anyone, I know him more than anyone, and I would have and still would do anything I could to bring him back, but only mothers can know, and only bereaved mothers can truly know the overwhelming burden of blame.

 

 

 

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