Will power – so unpredictable and finite

“Will”noun

  • the faculty by which a person decides on and initiates action.
  • control deliberately exerted to do something or to restrain one’s own impulses.

Will power, this is something very different to desire, or wanting something. There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough. I don’t feel any further along this journey other than the fact that the passage of time is something completely out of my control so therefore I continue to exist through the fog. I have no desire nor do I want to live the life I have been left. I haven’t written a blog for a while, I haven’t had the strength or energy but also this is similar to a diary or journal of my inner most thoughts, and they’re so negative. I cannot help the way I feel or what I think, it is what it is.

I feel totally trapped, like William is in heaven in the sky, what I have left of life is down here on Earth, but I am somewhere in between, floating in limbo. All I want is to be with William. Not wanting to be here to exist through what life is only leads to the fact that I’ve had enough; and the cold harsh reality of that is taking my own life. There is such stigma around suicide, that it is a cold, blunt act, with such finality. This is not what I want, I don’t want to ‘die’ I just want to be with William, but he is never going to be here again, he is gone. For me the acceptance of this fact only means one thing, that if I want to be with William I would have to make the ultimate choice of life, to take my own. It is very hard for me to write this, I know so many people who read this will not like to hear it, mostly because it is a subject that is not often talked about, but that is the truth, my thoughts and feelings haven’t changed; I have felt this way for a long time. I don’t feel ashamed of the way I feel, and I don’t want to hide behind the stock answers to ‘how are you?’ “well, you know up and down”. I can’t hide it. I’m terrified, terrified of being here, I fear tomorrow, knowing that tomorrow will not feel any better than today but worse, the pain intensifying alongside the bond between William and I strengthening. If it wasn’t for suicide, I would have killed myself by now. This may be a hard concept for you to understand but because I know I have that choice tomorrow, it is my safety net today.

Taking your own life, whether it is a choice or an impulsive action is not cowardly but takes sheer will power and guts. It is not a nice place to be, a place that is so dark, so isolating. I am scared, scared because I no longer feel like myself, will power is so unpredictable and absolutely finite when it takes hold. The thoughts and feelings are involuntary, overwhelming and all consuming.

This is where will power comes into play. I can never say that I ‘want’ the life I have been left after losing William or have any desire for it, but you must have will power to allow the passage of time to make living with it a little easier.  How can this happen knowing that life will never be better. It can only ever be different. From the day that I found out I was pregnant everyday surpassed my expectations, I never knew that a love so intense existed. And with every day that passed I fell more and more in love. Losing William so suddenly and unexpectedly completely cut off my lifeline, my outlet for that physical love gone, when William died, so did I. My heart and soul went with William that day, I feel like an empty shell with a tortured soul. Everyday is total torment. I wish I could sit here and type that I ‘hope’ it will get easier, but I almost don’t want it to. I don’t want to live without William. I’m just going through the motions.

I just want my baby.

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17 thoughts on “Will power – so unpredictable and finite

  1. Bless you Melissa. It’s so so sad. The waking every morning with the realisation of “what is” must be terrible for you. I hope one day a spark wakes within you to help you find some peace of mind. No one should have to experience what you did losing your precious William.
    Thinking of you and sending you hugs.
    Love Andrea xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Melissa, I came from Hong Kong Moms and I read your blog everyday. I wouldn’t say I live your pain everyday because no one will ever understand the pain you are going through no matter what analogy they give, your pain is your unique type of pain (if that even makes sense). But I just want you to know that this blog, today, really worry me. You motivate me to love my life more I want you to know that you made an impact to my life. I will keep you in my prayers.

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  2. Your story is so heartfelt. Reading your words I cried through the fear and the absolute loss you have been through. Your words are a beacon to those too afraid to speak exactly what you feel. I hope through “Will” you find the strength you need to continue on whatever path fate holds for you. Hugest hugs

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  3. Keep going girl, I hope it gets easier for you I can not begin to imagine the pain you feel, life can be so cruel sometimes really hope you find the strength and peace to keep going admitting your feelings is a huge step your stronger than you think sending humongous hugs Xx

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  4. You are making such a difference. Im in Hong Kong and Im in tears reading your blog for the first time today. You have been in my heart and mind all day since reading your story. I teach kids and I couldn’t have given more love to those kids today all because of you, your family and William. I wanted to let you know that your words have made a difference to people the world over. You are super. Strong. Glorious in all your strength and honesty and if I could I would give you the biggest hug. I empathise. My heart bleeds for your loss. William was a stunner and your family looks so happy and loving so that makes it all the harder to loose him in such an unfair way. I really want to let you know that you do matter and as much as you are feeling like you want to leave us, the honesty and the beautiful words in your blog helps. It helps you, others and this will bring some peace eventually. It can only be excruciating what you are going through and for that your feelings of wanting to end it all and be with William is completely understandable, but just know you created William with love, and your love is still glowing in your words and with those words William lives on within all of our hearts. I felt compelled to write to you, I don’t know you at all, I just wish I could meet you today and let you know that you matter and thank you for reminding us all just how strong love is, how important life is, and to have the “will” to reach out and ask for help by posing the questions that may be uncomfortable to ask. Loads of love xxx

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  5. Dearest William’s Mummy,
    I’m not here to tell you how to grieve or what to feel. I just want to tell you that I am sending you love and prayers. I can only imagine the darkness you are going through at this time. I cry when I read your blog posts and pray for you to have strength and find peace. My heart bleeds. No mother should go through this kind of suffering.

    Please know you are not alone. My cousin lost her three year old suddenly, in a situation similar… My nephew’s condition should’ve been caught by doctors, only it was too late. She too knows this dark place, and has navigated through it. I have faith that you will too.

    You will always be William’s mummy. Even though your physical time together was short, it will never take away your relationship. I will continue to send you prayers from here. Please do reach out of you ever need someone to listen… About anything…

    With deepest love and care,
    Hersha

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. For you and your entire family. I can only imagine what you are going through and it makes me cry. The way you feel right now is normal and I respect the fact that you are just so honest with it. I am sure that your words might help another mother who is going through the same pain right now, somewhere out there. You are in my prayers. May God give you and your husband the strenght to keep on living. With love, Za Zou.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi Melissa,
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us all. It is heartbreaking and completely understandable how deeply you have been affected. I can’t imagine your pain. I am writing to recommend that you see a psychologist for support during these dark times. Please call dr Lynette levy or Tracy Pinshow Navon both at Pychology Resources. Here is the number 2521 4668. They are both excellent psychologists who will be able to help you process your feelings and cope during this terrible time. I have worked with them both and they are outstanding! Please get support! It will help you immensely. My thoughts are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Time is a great and powerful healer Melissa. Have a little faith and things will turn out alright in the end, no matter what path you take.

    Grieving takes time. A lot of time. So keep on surviving as life is precious. You need to keep strong (you are still on this earth writing blogs so you are indeed strong) for William. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh, Melissa. My heart is breaking for you. I wish I had words that could bring you some peace, but I am hoping so much that it will bring you some small comfort to know that you are being thought of, worried for, and cared about. I am so glad that you are reaching out & sharing your painful & intimate thoughts. I hope that as people read your words and feel your grief, we can all perhaps take a tiny, tiny piece of your grief burden. And as we do so, we will not only help to take some of the weight from your own shoulders on the days that you can’t manage it yourself, but we will all share a part of “knowing” William, so that his spirit will continue to live on in the hearts of so many. I am a stranger to you, but as a mother myself, really we already know each other. I want to take your hand and squeeze tight. I cannot do that but I can offer a few links that might be of some help to you. I think either of these websites might be able to provide you with the kind of love & understanding that could help you. Just know that you are in my thoughts. http://www.missfoundation.org/support/achildhasdied
    http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am so glad that through my blog, everyone gets to ‘know’ a little bit of William, it gives me some comfort that people all around the world have seen his lovely little face and love him a little bit too. I have joined the compassionate friends, very very helpful, so thank you xx

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  10. Dear Melissa, I am so angry that your concerns about your son weren’t taken seriously, that doctors are so used to children being sickly that they forget that a child should be healthy, really robustly healthy. I am so very awfully sorry that your baby boy was taken from you. One day at a time, dear woman, and sometimes, even taking it one moment at a time. Your dear boy will want you to find a way to keep going, he will want you to find moments of joy and love in your life, he will want the best for you, his mother (just like you always wanted the best for him). May God bless you and keep you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s so lovely to hear you talk from William’s perspective, you are right, I always wanted the best for him and put his interests first, as all us mothers do. One moment at a time xx

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  11. Hi Melissa, I just read your story and couldn’t help being in tears. I am so so sorry to hear about William. It’s so heart breaking. There is nothing worse than losing your child. Even the thought runs a shiver. But you are being so brave. Hope you find strength. How you find peace. Thinking of you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Sweet Williams mommy, I came upon your blog from a child’s FB page that was set up to be in his memory after his little life of 2 1/2 years was taken by his own mom. I’ve since become an advocate for these little ones and an admin on one of Coltons FB pages. Since the day I learned of this beautiful boys tragic end I’ve become a prisoner at times in my own head with thought of if something were to ever happen to my 2 1/2 y/o son. The thought makes me crazy and so sad and everything you have shared about what goes thru your head has gone thru mine and I’ve never been thru what you are going thru. I know that I would not be able to go on without my Joey and I know without a doubt I would be a complete utterly mess of an empty shell. My heart cries out for you and I just have a strong feeling that you William is guarding very near to you and protecting his mommy just like you protected him with all that is in you. Your baby boy is in you he is in your heart he is in your mind and your sweet William is in your soul. He is the reason you are still getten by each passing day and I believe that your precious angel will be there with you for every step you take whether it forward, backward or sideways holding his mommy’s hand and gently reassuring you just as you did him first time he got in shower with his mommy. God bless your little guys heart and soul and yours will be blessed by your baby boy. You will be in my thoughts for always now sweet Williams mommy

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    • Thank you so so much for your lovely kind words. It’s very hard sometimes for people to express those thoughts and feelings that go round and around. I sometimes have difficulty too. I find i am able to get some of those feelings out and somehow they make a little more sense. I am my own worst enemy for analysing everything. xx

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