Rock bottom, there is only one way from here, I hope

I’ve not written a post for a few days because I’ve had a particularly bad time. Not that any time at the moment is good. Saturday evening I had to call an ambulance for a family member, it was bad enough dialling 999 and living through that phone call again, but one of the paramedics that came to the house was one that came to help William on the day he died. When I opened the door and he was stood there I froze, as it turned out, he didn’t want to come into the house either. A trip to A&E followed, whereby the nurse who attended us was the nurse who attended William that morning, and the room we were in was right next to the resus room we were in that day. Everyone knew who I was.

Waking up the following morning I was beyond distressed, it felt to me like Monday 15th December 2014, day 2 of losing William, but without the shock, it felt like a train had hit me, but I didn’t have the added shock factor that I did on the 15th December, that by now has gone, I now know William isn’t coming back and I will never see him again. Sunday 25th January 2015 seemed and felt worse than any other day, and it was. The 6 week anniversary of losing William, Sundays always seem worse than any other day of the week. As the day wore on I became more and more agitated, my stress levels increased, my thoughts not making any sense and I finally broke.

Monday the 26th I woke in a bed in hospital, now realising how helpless I am at coping with the situation. I can finally admit, I am not coping, I am not strong enough to deal with this, although I have been accepting all the help I can get, it is not enough, and waking up that morning in hospital was a sure-fire sign that I am not managing. Thankfully, and I am pleased, I will now be having daily visits from the psychiatric mental health team. I am not embarrassed to admit this or tell you all about it. I am proud to admit that I cannot cope with losing or living without William, I cannot do this without serious help, my bond with William unwavering, stronger than ever, the mere existence that life has inevitably become is one of total misery and despair. It is not what I want, as much as I don’t want a life without William, I equally don’t want a life of misery and despair. Like they say there is only one way to go from hitting rock bottom. Today is day 1.

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