35 Days, 5 Weeks, since I was an active mother

It seems hard to believe that I sit here and it has already been 35 days since I lost my little boy. Do those 35 days mean I am coping? Do those 35 days mean I am ‘getting through’? To me each one of those 35 days has been a tortuous journey, a lifetime. People say to you ‘baby steps’, ‘take one day at a time’. But it doesn’t mean anything. There are no steps forwards, perhaps sideways, but at least not backwards.

I don’t have a choice but to exist each day through a haze of tears, exhaustion, confusion and questioning.  Why am I here? Why is Wiliam dead? Why him? Why didn’t any of the doctors do anything? Why isn’t it me? Some questions may get answered at the inquest into his death, but nothing will bring him back. Nothing will re – write history. I will never be able to cradle my little boy again, rock him to sleep, cover his face in kisses, or get lost in his deep brown eyes.

People say to you that you have so many lovely memories, a plethora of photos and videos, some with his little laugh. But they’re not William, they’re not tangible, William should be here.

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4 thoughts on “35 Days, 5 Weeks, since I was an active mother

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss.
    Me and my husband lost our daughter at 1 month old to sids.
    I was reading your blog and we seem to be one in the same as we process this horrible new life of a bereaved parents.
    Hugs..your little boy is beautiful!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your lovely little daughter. It must be distressing to have SIDS as the reason, we never want to believe they went to sleep and just didn’t wake up. It’s comforting to know other people who feel the same pain as we are experiencing, I have felt very alone, please do get in touch, and thank you, my little boy is beautiful xx

      Like

  2. William will always be your little boy and you will always be Williams mother. Nothing will change this. I guess I remain active as Jaies mum by speaking of him, writing about him and learning new ways to be a mum to him. Just as you are slowly learning to with your darling little boy.
    Your blog is being an active parent. You are memorialising William and introducing him to others so he may live on all over the world. You are still his mum ❤️

    Like

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